.> Medillia of the grey skies. <.

this the secret blog of mandi. a extemely quiet & shy girl. imperfect. perfectionist. 5'9-100lbs. reddish hair. pale. skinny as all get out. sick. individualist. not like you. <.likes.> singing, modeling, pictures, fashion, shopping, music, webdesign, 80's, art, poetry, movies. <.music.> smashing pumpkins, razed in black, Nine inch nails, vnv nation, bauhaus, london after midnight, any goth, industrial, darkwave, rock, alternative bands...almost.
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[ Saturday, November 29, 2003 ]

An ode to Levi on the reoccuring instances of your retarded whore of a heart:


I am sick of this. I think it should just end now before I come far too attached and while I am still furious. It'll be hard but after enough hurting I can let go. Because everyone knows I am imperfect and a piece of shit.

I let you fuck me, though it is against most of my will, an hour or so later, You had asked your pretty for pictures. YOUR PRETTY.

Somehow this happens everytime, and I start to believe everyone less and less.

STOP LYING, PRETTY, I AM NOTHING AT ALL.

I hate myself. I wish I could just collapse and die. I wish I never would have met you, there for I would never have to feel this way. You don't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me.

NO ONE COULD EVER LOVE ME.

13, beauty queen, perfect, flawless, unforgettable

Look at me. I am nothing. I am nothing but a time bomb, just longing for death. Longing for this to end. Loving your lies.

Why don't you just say it? Why don't you just say that you hate me?
:: Mandi the Melancholy . 2:31 PM . [+]-

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[ Thursday, November 27, 2003 ]
Oh how, oh how I wish I could be more like Marissa, Emily, Liz, Jill, Becki, Theresa, and Ashley.

Maybe if I were all of them rolled together, or maybe just like one of them...

Maybe you would like me better.

It is no use, I have no chance. I should just give it up now.


I can't take anymore of these lies, bullshit, and accusation.
:: Mandi the Melancholy . 6:28 PM . [+]-

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[ Saturday, September 13, 2003 ]
Yeah so everything has been a stupid, fucking joke. I have been ****** little rebound fuck up for a long time now. And, I don't know why. While he is loving ******, and trying to build a relationship with ***... he needs me to get *** ***. And, for some stupid ass reason, I do it. I hate it. Cause we will **** ****** and whatever, he gets ***... then he calls ******, or tells me they have had plans all along... "So bye-bye Mandi, I had fun, thanks!" And, I go to give him a hug maybe and I get pushed away with him saying something like, "STOP! Why are you trying to move so fast?" It has been like this for how long. And, his secret **** *** me had to be kept hidden. By all means we couldn't hug in the halls or anything cause one of ******* friends would see us and tell *** that he still comes in contact with me. EWWWWW. STUPID, GROSS, PSYCHO ME. EWWWW. Then this week I guess he and ***** were having problems. So, he started to make some sort of foundation with me so, when he fell from ***... I would seem to cousion the blow. So, yesterday we had a good day with eachother. ****** calls. It is all over. **** ** to a party, get ***** and **** ********, but **** wasn't the one ****** was ******* ****** with so he got upset. He comes home all angry to me, telling me how much he doesn't **** *** anymore, and how it made him **** ** more... blah blah blah. I knew already not to believe him. It was stupid. he was upset thats just why he was saying those things. So we make up whatever, blah blah, I make a bad choice, a stupid fucking mistake. I get sick, run home... blah. Then I call levi over to get me juice cause I couldn't walk. He comes over, we had a good time, we were getting along good. ***** *** *** 'HOT, GOOD LOOKING' ******* ******* show up at my house to get **** gets all excited. "Bye Mandi!" for the rest of the fucking day. I decide to go to my families cause I have nothing better to so since levi was pre-occupied with ****** **** *** *** HOTTTTT ******. So, I am assuming **** *** ****** are back together...Or **** *** *** ****** ***** eachother and he found some *** new to ****** over. Levi is spending the night off with Dave. They are probably going to another party... Hopefully with ****** *** *** HOTTTT ******. I wish someone would come along and just ** *** **** Levi. He needs someone and wants someone so bad. I wish he would forget that I am even here and just stop speaking to me at all. I wish he would stop fucking with my head it seems. I wish he knew how I felt. I wish he knew that I wouldn't always be here forever for him. I'm not going to be here forever. I have the smallest crushes on some people and he gets all upset. But, you know it is no big deal at all that he fucking spends the night with his little girlfriend thingy, or object of desire rather. I really don't want to get back together with him. He isn't the same. I really don't care for his personality too much. I really don't want to wreck his life by 'trapping him' when he should be going out and getting high everynight and fucking many different girls. I have ruined and erased two years of his life and I dont want to wreck anymore of them. And, I'm not even sure if Levi even makes me happy anymore. I know he isnt happy with me. I know I am not the one he really wants. I know I am not the one he is thinking of.
:: Mandi the Melancholy . 10:03 PM . [+]-

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[ Sunday, August 03, 2003 ]
I can't even begin to describe all the feelings I have had inside for you. I could get down on my hands and knees and beg you please to stay along side my arcane heart and to be selfish as ever. Keeping you bound to me forever because I know how much you are worth now, and the truth is that I can't afford to let you go. Then I spend much time thinking, and I realized that I only existed to see you happy. Just knowing that she brings you more joy than I ever could grinds me down inside but, I know my mission is over... and there is that happiness, I hoped you would find, presant in your heart. She may be twenty thousand times better than I but, I try not to tear myself down about it. I realize that it only matters that you are happy, and that you are moving on, and that you are moving up. You need eachother more than I will be aware of. And, I don't understand what is stopping you. She is everything you look for. The pleasantness of a young pure pretty. In the blessed summer. Hoping to hold your charming heart. And, I don't understand why I am the barrier. I never stood in your way. I would give my life to see you for one last time. I would give my life to set things back the way they were. But, My life is worth nothing. So, nothing is what I get in return. Failing to live in a world without you. Left to trail in a world without you... when you were the only thing I was living for at all. Left to live a life of hope and regrets, Left to trail in a world without you.



:: Mandi the Melancholy . 3:14 PM . [+]-

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I can't even begin to describe all the feelings I have had inside for you. I could get down on my hands and knees and beg you please to stay along side my arcane heart and to be selfish as ever. Keeping you bound to my froever because I know how much you are worth now, and the truth is that I can't afford to let you go. Then I spend much time thinking, and I realized that I only existed to see you happy. Just knowing that she brings you more joy than I ever could grinds me down inside but, I know my mission is over... and there is that happiness, I hoped you would find, presant in your heart. She may be twenty thousand times better than I but, I try not to tear myself down about it. I realize that it only matters that you are happy, and that you are moving on, and that you are moving up. You need eachother more than I will be aware of. And, I don't understand what is stopping you. She is everything you look for. The pleasantness of a young pure pretty. In the blessed summer. Hoping to hold your charming heart. And, I don't understand why I am the barrier. I never stood in your way. I would give my life to see you for one last time. I would give my life to set things back the way they were. But, My life is worth nothing. So, nothing is what I get in return. Failing to live in a world without you. Left to trail in a world without you... when you were the only thing I was living for at all. Left to live a life of hope and regrets, Left to trail in a world without you.

But, I will tear myself apart because I can't be something close to her.
I can't make you happy. I can't do anything.
I can't be beautiful. I can't do anything.
I can't be fun. I can't do anything.
I can't be cute. I can't do anything.
I can't be sexy. I can't do anything.

Cause I've changed.
Cause I am terrible.


:: Mandi the Melancholy . 3:13 PM . [+]-

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[ Tuesday, July 15, 2003 ]
Whatever. Thought I might write in here again... but, no where is safe. I swear to fucking god, there is no where i can hide, or confide in anymore. I am watched like a maximum security patient. ::sigh::
:: Mandi the Melancholy . 9:13 PM . [+]-

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[ Saturday, March 15, 2003 ]
Oh life is wonderful. I have one person to confide in. I realized no matter what, friends stab the shit out of you... so I don't need any. People really love to fuck with my life and it is becoming annoying. A self-inflicted amnesia is the road to happiness.
:: Mandi the Melancholy . 9:19 PM . [+]-

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[ Monday, February 17, 2003 ]
Eh. Long time no post... Well, nothing has been better. Same old shit...kind of. New fights. Everyone is at everyones throats I think. Everyone I try to hang out with hates me. It is terrific...really! I have a stalker and NO it is not the cute little squirrl. It is Mike Morelli. He is a watcher. It is so creepy. And, he reads my livejournal. No where is safe, No where. Levi has been on my ass about talking to some online guy. Deja vu, anyone? You think he would notice what type of guys I seem to like...whatever. People I have been trying to forget and move on from keep coming back which leads me to get angry. Go away, and stay away. Everyone. The only person I truely don't care if I spend time with or not is levi. I'll be pissed but, he is allowed to haunt me. Now all of you fuckers out there..Hah. I don't know what your problem is that you are reading this. Can't get enough of me or something? Well, I want you away...and for good. I am going to slaugher someone also. Her name is teresa. She will die soon enough. We exchanged looks in the hall. It was wonderful. We were both thinking, "I'll slit your throat!", "Not if I slit yours first BITCH". I wanted to kill her. I bet she smells... same hoodie...different day...gross. All my hoodies smell of gas, and smoke...So I am left to freeeeeze. I don't have much homework today. However, that doesn't mean I am very motivated to do anything at all. Maybe sleep, mmmmm. I have sweetie withe me. Awee.
:: Mandi the Melancholy . 12:57 PM . [+]-

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